Being Seen

Truth never damages a cause that is just.
– Mahatma Ghandi

One of the mistakes I made in my marriage was hiding my real beliefs in order to avoid conflict. I wasn’t as religious as my ex, and I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to cushion and sugar coat my thoughts about it.

Needless to say, that didn’t work.

We might have avoided a fight or two in the long term, sure. If I’d been more open, more firm in my opinions and less willing to compromise, things might have ended sooner – but that would have been a good thing. The man I am couldn’t make it work with the woman she was, and denying either of those things just prolonged things and made the fallout worse.

The past year I’ve been trying something different. I’ve been very honest about my beliefs, my lifestyle and my preferences. I tell people what I think, even when I suspect they won’t like it, and I try to make sure the people close to me know where I stand on things.

This has some massive benefits.

First, it prevents me from getting satisfaction from things I haven’t actually done. If my peers know just how successful I really am in my goals, I definitely can’t lie to myself about how far I’m getting. This is a risky play from a self-esteem standpoint. If I admit I’m going to boxing, I also have to admit I’ve never done it before and that I’m a rank amateur. Same’s true of salsa, rapping, writing and the other things I’ve tried to improve this year. Showing the truth of myself to others forces me to face it, and that can only be a good thing.

Second, it lets me get help. Talking about fighting got me a gym suggestion from a coworker – that’s the gym I go to now and I’m very happy with it. Talking about writing has got me suggestions and support from friends. Talking about selling the house got me advice from a coworker doing the same in this area, and talking about learning to ride a motorcycle got me a loaned copy of the law book and an offer for beginning lessons sometime. People can’t help you if they don’t know what you’re working on, and people love to help.

Finally, it helps me use fear of embarassment and do what works. If I told someone I respect that I’ll be somewhere or have something done, you’d better believe I’ll be there and it’ll be done. Vague plans and “I want to” instead of “I will” are great for managing expectations, but they’re poisonous to motivation.

This isn’t a call to brag, talk about yourself constantly or make grandiose plans to your friends and colleagues. It’s often best to say nothing at all. Rather, just stop trying to hide what you’re doing and who you are. Trust me, it’s freeing.